First off, Happy New Year to all the subscribers, readers and contributors to this blog.  I have heard, and experienced personally, that this blog has great impact on many, many businesses and lives.  I applaud our writers and my friends for bringing the most amazing information to the community in such a great format…. Thank you Real Blogging.  BTW, you MUST purchase Stefan’s 2009 Trends Report!!!!

Now for the backbone of my blog. This one is very personal in nature… If you have followed me in the past… If you can handle some personal character work… read on…. If you aren’t interested in reaching deep into yourself to find out what makes you tick… don’t bother reading.  

I see so many agents wanting to be successful, so many brokers who open offices with the belief all will flock to their doors.  I have been fortunate in my business life to create success and a decent following and I enjoy great professional success but I realized, quite unexpectedly, just how vulnerable my personal being is last night, New Years Eve 2009.  There are things that you can’t even pinpoint that are blocking you from your business success or personal happiness. 

For 8 years I have felt a melancholy around the holidays.  At first I attributed it to owning a brokerage and having so many obligations, parties, company events and our children’s school and social events.  I stoically ran through it.  After we sold the company, I professed it was because I wasn’t busy enough………  For 8 years I dragged my ars up and played holiday music and tried to make merry but I had a hole in my heart that couldn’t be filled by any bon bon or fudge surprise. 

For the past 8 New Years Eves I created an excuse to go to bed early… Damn it, I was tired.   This year, I planned a big celebration party at my house so I would be ”forced” to stay up and toast.  During the toast, I literally had a melt down.  I started crying… not that cute little Hollywood tear down the cheek cry… a real, ugly, damn I am going to need tissues, cry.  I tell you this because I don’t cry easily but during that toasting moment, I had a flash back of a memory I had suppressed for 8 years.   8 years ago last night, my 60yr old father checked himself into the hospital in Maine while I struggled to get to him from Tucson. Mind you, this was after a week earlier phone conversation where he said “I may be sick but I feel ok and would love to see you,”  I knew I had to go.

I arrived at the Central Maine Medical Center after flying through 2 snow storms, 12hr delays and  taking a bus because the planes were grounded, to find my dad in his hospital room on New Years Eve. The doctor delivered the news like it was a normal daily occurrence, which for him probably was…4th stage esophageal cancer spread to every inch of his body with little more than a few weeks or months to live.

Not even imagining the circumstances being so serious earlier that day, I had the driver stop for a bottle of wine on the way to picking up my dad….I mean, of course my dad would be evaluated and released into my care and we would toast in the new year… didn’t happen.  He was admitted and I was sent home with a bottle of wine and no wine opener.   I remember banging the bottle neck against my dad’s counter edge to try to break it open so I could just drink a bit of the sweet mind numbing juice… just a moment of peace from my pain.  All this I had attached to  my cells.  Three weeks after his diagnosis, and many tears and laughter later, my father died in my arms with family members gathered around. 

Those moments left an imprint on my cells that didn’t allow me to enjoy my holidays from a very deep subconscious emotional place.  I even sought professional help because, who the hell wants to be depressed during the holidays???  But, because of my own stoic character, I wouldn’t let the therapist in enough to help me.  Honestly, I had no idea what I needed to let go of.  My dad and I had closure, we had a great 3 weeks of tying up loose ends and preparing for his death.  But it wasn’t that, it was the emotional imprint.  Just like when you are rejected by a parent or loved one.  That imprint can cause so many issues later that you can’t pinpoint. 

What is imprinted on your cells?  Are you moody, mean, sarcastic or just sad??  Are you nice to strangers because you crave their acceptance but mean to the ones closest to you?  Those feelings are real but they keep you from being HAPPY!!!!  If you like feeling sad because it gives you a reason to be “sad” and not accomplish anything then you will continue to be sad.  If you are angry with someone from your past you will hold onto that for as long as it serves you.  If you are ready to live a life free from all this and truly be you… then let it all go.  Dig deep.  Ask the people around you (who will tell you the truth) how they feel about your behavior and then LISTEN!!!!!!

My mother is the Nurse Manager for a very large teaching Psychiatric Hospital unit.  Today I asked  her how work was going and she said “Well, people do some damn crazy things around the holidays.”  Guess they keep her in business.   What crazy crap are you dealing with that keeps you from being happy?  What are you hanging onto that you really should let go of?  Do you even know what it is???  You only hold onto the things that serve you.  Even if they are painful, they are serving some need for you if you are unwilling to let them go.  I let go last night… completely.  I was using my father’s death and my pain to keep me from having to be festive and happy.  Next year, it won’t happen.

Not really sure if this helps you but I felt it necessary to share since I was hearing so many issues around familiary fights and issues during the holidays this year.  We all have something that keeps us from being the best we can be.  Find out what it is and demolish it.  I feel released of my past regarding my father by recognizing what held me down.. or rather, what I allowed to hold me down.

Best wishes for an amazing 2009!!!!!!!!